I have these devided into three catagories, PG-13, R, and X (This is assuming all the G and PG jokes are nacl on the other page)
What do you call a dog with steel balls and no hind legs? Sparky!
What does the Pillsbury Doughboy have under his apron? Doughnuts!
How did the Pillsbury Doughboy die? A yeast infection!
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and asks if his mother would "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom,and closes the door. "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. "Ok, now take off my skirt..." and he takes off her skirt. "Now take off my bra..." which he does. "And now, johnny, please take off my panties." And when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
The curator of a Western art museum commissioned
a local artist to paint a mural-sized painting of Custer's Last Thought.
The artist was told to make it highly symbolic of Custer's mindset during
the debacle at Little Big Horn. Deep in thought, the artist went
to her studio. After many false starts, she proceeded to paint an enormous
oil painting. Finally, after many months of work, the painting was unveiled
for the curator. In the foreground, a beautiful crystalline blue lake with
a single fish leaping. Around the fish's head is a halo. In
the background, the
hills and meadows are covered with naked Native American couples copulating.
The curator is both disgusted and baffled by what
he sees. In a rage he turns to the artist and asks, "What the hell has
this got to do with
Custer's Last Thought?" The artist replied, "It's simple. Custer's
Last Thought had to have been: Holy Mackerel! Where did all these fucking
Indians come from?"
(This was sent in by an alert reader who claims his mother told it
to him when he was very young...)
So, a leprachaun (spelling?) walks
into a bar and says, "Give me a drink." So, the bartender gives the
leprachaun a drink. The leprechaun pounds the drink and says, "Give
me another!" Adding a "Spppplllllllllll" (YOu know, what's
it called... when you stick your
tongue out and blow, and spit goes all over the person...) The
bartender says, "If you do that one more time, I'll cut your willie off.
(Yes... my mom used the word willie... scary)
So, the bartender gives him another drink.... the
leprechaun pounds it, and says, "I'd be wanting another! Spppllllll!
So the bartender says, "I'm warning you, if you
do that one more time, I'll cut your willie off."
So, he gives him another drink. The leprechaun
drinks it, comes back and says, "I'd be wanting another! Sppppppppllllll!"
This time the bartender was really angry.
He turned red as he pulled out a knife. "I warned you! Now
where is your willie?"
The leprechaun just smiled. "Well, I don't
have one."
The bartender was confused. "Well, then how
do you go to the bathroom?"
"Like this! Sppppppplllllll!"
So, two fleas (yes, the insects) meet each year for their vacation in
Florida. One year, one of the fleas comes into the hotel where they
always stay, shivering and complaing of the cold.
"What's the matter?" askes the other flea.
"It's summer in Florida!"
"Yeah, well, I came all the way down in the mustache
of some biker, and the wind chill and all just got to me." the first
flea responds, with not just a little touch of bitterness.
"Ahh. You just don't know how to do it.
This is how you travel to Florida: First, go hang out in an airport
bar and have a few drinks. Then, find a nice stewardess who's working
a flight to Florida. Jump on to her leg, make your way up and snuggle
in to her - well, you know. Then, you can just sleep the whole way
there!"
"Egad!" says the first flea (he had peculiar parents).
"What an idea! Next year for sure!"
So, the next year the flea arrives in the same state,
cold and angry.
"What wnt wrong?" asked the wiser second flea, who
had been there a while and had already finished off a few drinks.
"Damndest thing. I did just what you said:
airport, bar, stewardess, and - er - you know. So I go to sleep,
and when I wake back up, I find myself back in the damn biker's mustache!"
A man is walking down the beach, when he comes across a woman with no
arms and no legs watching the surf and crying.
"Whatever is the matter?" asked the man.
"I'm twenty-five, I have no arms and no legs, and
I've never been kissed." was the tearful reply.
The man, thinking about this, leaned over and gave
the woman the most romantic, passionate kiss he had ever given.
"Thank you," said the woman breathlessly.
As the man started to walk away, he realized that
the woman was again crying.
"What's wrong now?" he asked.
"I'm twenty-five, I have no arms and no legs, and
I've never been screwed." She looked up at him, blinking her eyes.
Slowly, the man bent over, picked up the woman,
and threw her into the surf, and shouted:
"You're screwed now, baby!"
-The two previous jokes from Ally McBeal. You'd rememebr if you'd seen the episode.
There's a group of dead nuns waiting in line to
see St. Peter, so they can enter into heaven. St. Peter says to the
first nun, "Before you can
go into heaven, you must answer one question for me. Have you
ever touched a penis?" The first nun replies, "Well, yes. But
I only did it
once. I just kinda stroked it with my pinky a little."
St. Peter says, "You must wash your pinky in the fountain of holy water
before you may
enter heaven." "Okay," says the nun, and she proceeds to wash
off her pinky. St. Peter asks the second nun the same question.
"I just
squeezed it with my right hand, it was no big deal," says nun #2.
St. Peter tells the nun she must wash her hand in the holy water, and she
does so. Suddenly, a nun comes running up from the back of the
line. "Why are you cutting?" asks St. Peter. The nun answers,
"If I have to
gargle that shit, I want to do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass
in it.
There is a man traveling alone in the desert, with
only his Camel to keep him company. After over a month of lonliness
and boredom, the man gets a little horny. He gives the camel a look,
and immediately the camel knows what he's thinking. The camel begins
to run, and the man frantically chases after him for miles. After
20 minutes of running through the desert, the man runs into a gorgeous
naked woman in a large metal cage. "If you let me out of this cage,
I will do anything for you. I will make your wildest dreams come
true, if that's what you
want, " says the woman. So the man breaks open the cage.
The woman says, "Now what will be your pleasure?" The man replies,
"Will you hold down my camel?"
(I don't know any)
Hey! My kids are reading this! (go back to the main jokes page)
Ha! Yeah, now these are not only not funny, but tasteless! Take me back to the Index!