A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies : "It's very simple. You're two tents."

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious... Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything." "Well," says the dentist,"th at's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the s quaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

A Manager, an Engineer, and a Programmer are at a conference held in a hotel at the top of a tall hill. While driving down the twisty roard from the hotel, the brakes in the car went out. Using a clever combination of the handbrake and stompingon the ground outside, the Engineer was able to stop the car without mishap. The three then discussed what should be done. "Let's have a meeting to decide on a peoject plan." suggested the Manager. "No no." said the Engineer. "I have some paper clips and duct tape, I can just toss the brakes back together." The Programmer, who had been looking at the car, said, "Hey, why don't you guys help me push it back up the hill so we can see if it does it again."

An Electrical, Mechanical, and Civil Engineer are discussing what kind of engineer God was. "Electrical." insists the Electrical engineer. "Look the the human nervous system!" "No," said the Mechanical engineer, "he was a Mechanical engineer. Look at the way all the muscles work together!" "No, you're both wrong." said the Civil engineer. "Only a Civil engineer would have thought of running the waste system through the recreation department."

A man discovers he has only 4 weeks to live.  "Is there anything you can do?" he asks the doctor.  "Well, maybe one thing," the doctor says.  "I want you to go to this special spa and soak in the mud baths for three weeks."  "Will that help?" asked the man.  "Well, no," said the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."  -Tom Snyder

A funeral procession passes a golf course where two very dedicated golfers are playing.  As the processsion drives by, one of the golfers removes his hat and stands at attention as the cars roll by.  "My." says the other golfer.  "That must have been someone you knew."  "It was." says the first golfer, resuming play.  "I was married to her for 4o years."

An optimist sees a glass that's half full, a pesimist sees a glass that's half empty, and an engineer sees a glass thats twice as big as it needs to be.

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one.  Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither are hurt.  They crawl out of their cars and the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a  priest.  I'm a rabbi.  Just look at our cars.  There's nothing left but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
       And the priest said, "I agree with you completely.  This must be a sign from God. And the rabbi said, "and look at this.  Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break, surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.
        And so he handed the bottle to the  priest. The priest said he agreed, took a few big swigs, and handed the bottle back
to the rabbi. The rabbi took the bottle, didn't drink at all, put the cap on, and handed it back to the priest.  The priest asked,
"aren't you going to have any?"And the rabbi replied, "No....I think I'll just wait for the police."
 
How does a man on the moon cut his hair?  Eclipse it!
 
A man goes to a psychologist, worried about his wife.  "Doctor," he says, "for the past six months, my wife has thought that she's a chicken!  Can you help?"  "Of course."  said the doctor, "but why did you wait so long?"  "Well," said the man, "we really needed the eggs."

Only three people are left in the the class of new CIA recruits: two men and one woman.  They arrive for the final test of the gruling entrance procedure one at a time.  The first man arrives, and is handed a gun by the proctors.  "This is your final test," they say.  "Your wife is in the next room.  Go in there and shoot her in the head."  The man, without thinking, hands the gun back, saying that he jus isn't cut out for the job.  "Congradulations, you pass." he is told, and he is led away.  The next man arrives, and is also handed a gun.  "Your wife is in the next room.  Go in there and shoot her dead." they tell him.  Somberly, the man goes into the room, but comes back out just a few seconds later.  "I can't do it." he says, and he too is told that he passed.  Finally, the woman arrives and she too is handed a gun.  "Your husband is in the next room.  Go in there and kill him."  She walks into the room, and the proctors hear several pops, followed by a struggle and some loud crashing sounds.   Soon the woman comes out of the room, discheveled and sweating.  "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks!" she says, "I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
 

No, dumber than that.  Back to the Index!

This man is a god.  I am not worthy, but please let me e-mail him.