Draft Oath of Surrender to BATF

The following is a draft "Oath of Surrender" To the U.S. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms (BATF). Hey, you never know.

It was written by Fred Mrozek

Since it is no longer necessary for law enforcement agencies to legally obtain and peacefully serve warrants, and since the folks who attempt defending themselves in future TV productions featuring "dynamic entries" will no doubt be charged posthumously with every conceivable vice no matter its relevance, we wish to send you advance notice by certified mail, of our intention to cooperate with your Gestapo.

We at (Insert Name of Church) wish to inform you that we are not deceived by the Bill of Rights into believing that we can exercise more than one constitutional right at a time; like the first and second amendments. Nor do we believe that even the practice of a single right at a time will place us in your good favor.

We therefore recognize the following:

1. That, regardless of the firearms licenses we legally obtain, our previous demonstrated cooperation with law enforcement, our invitations for you to visit and see what we have, or how many children live in or occasionally occupy this church or residence, you may still come into our homes and churches with blazing guns, roaring tanks, poisonous gasses etc. and torture or kill as many of us as you like on national TV.

2. That, should you fail to provoke violence when you do so, that you possess full right to ascribe any self-inflicted damage or injury, on we the condemned, up to and including the deaths of any former Clinton associates whose names appear in the monthly dead pool.

3. That, we will not be under any delusion that, having done so, the American people will:
   1. Hear anything but repetition of lists of partially or wholly contrived accusations against us.

   2. Make any attempt whatsoever to see through those partial or complete lies.

   3. Use freedoms of the press to forcefully investigate the claims made against us.

   4. Object to violation of Posse Commitatus, use of absurdly excessive force, illegal jamming of civilian radio communication, perjury, destruction of evidence, obstruction of justice or whatever the hell else gives you guys jollies...

4. That, we willfully transfer to you, the right to use anything we DID NOT say, or do, against us in a court of law.

5. That, having been found Not Guilty by a jury of our peers, even after the forfieture of all rights mentioned above, we will not object to serving 40 year prison sentences after the jury finds us innocent.

6. That our convictions based on "preponderance of evidence" will not seem ironic to us even when the only preponderance of anything is evidence of massive federal destruction of the evidence that could prove our innocence, your malice, and your premeditation.

7. We will not expect your personnel to be punished for any crimes. It is obvious that in order to fulfill their promise to Defend The Constitution Against all threats both Foreign and Domestic, they must destroy all possible threats before they can do anything threatening.

8. That we confer to you, all royalties and benefits from the TV footage of your scenes of heroism, and expect all footage of your atrocities to be lost, destroyed or used as a proof of a viscious conspiracy to forge evidence against you.

9. That our possession of tap water is, in fact, proof of our plan to build H-Bombs and rain them on nearby communities.

10. And finally, (we cannot go this far and pull back at the last minute...) that stuff on the outside of our church that looks like innocent vinyl siding, is actually cleverly disguised armour fortifications surrounding our front-yard, all purpose volleyball area / BBQ pit / kill-zone.

In exchange for our signatures on this oath of surrender, we ask only one thing:

Do you think you could spare our dog?

Fred Mrozek with friends like these:

"There is no reason for anyone in this country, for anyone except a police officer or a military person, to buy, to own, to have, to use, a handgun. The only way to control handgun use in this country is to prohibit the guns. And the only way to do that is to CHANGE THE CONSTITUTION." (emphasis mine) - NBC News president, Michael Gartner, USA Today, 1/16/1992

"We can't be so fixated on our desire to preserve the rights of ordinary Americans... that we are unable to think about reality." - B. Clinton

"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety" - Benjamin Franklin

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