- Merlin: He's a pantywaist. No, really. The only reason he made the
headlines is that he was the only wizard around at the time that could
actually do magic, and he could only do what little he could
because of his bloodline. (half demon) The original tales all show him as a
remnant of an older age: senile and unreliable. Low marks across the board
except in a completely magic-deprived environment. Trapped in the end by
an unremarkable elf maiden (Nimh/Nimue) while pursuing her with lust on
his mind.
- Gandalf: Personally sent by a major power as a member of a team
of 5 whose mission was to thwart the largest evil power remaining in the
universe. His council was considered worthwhile by Galadriel, the oldest
being on the shores of Middle Earth save possibly Bombadil. At the height of
his power he summoned and dismissed his defrocked superior by sheer force
of will, even though his opponent was still technically on his home turf.
Personally stood in for the gates of Gondor against the entrance of the
Witch King when the gates had been thrown down. A pyrric victory against a
balrog is still a victory against a balrog.
- Gargamel: Never heard of him. Ipso facto: not a biggie. [Looked
him up: Some Smurf-related villain. Points for me for never having heard of
him. Clearly not a real contender, even against Rincewind]
- Elminster: OK, big and bad, but come on... one of many many
powerful wizards in the world of Greyhawk. Not even clearly the most powerful
ever in that world. Consider briefly an Elminster v Gandalf steel-cage
deathmatch:
| Round | Results |
| 1 | Elminster casts, | Gandalf saves. |
| 2 | Elminster casts, | Gandalf saves. |
| ... | Repeat until all of Elminster's memorized
spells are cast and his staff of the Archmage is out of charges. |
| n | Gandalf breaks out Glamdring and cleaves
Elminster in twain while Elminster is still complaining that magic users
can only use daggers. |
- Potter: Not bad. Clearly a standout on the planet: he can resist
(even with help) the uncounterable death spell and summon a major protective
spirit while essentially untrained. A human mage whose long term potential we
do not really know yet. I kinda doubt we'll get something like
I-died-and-was-personally-sent-back-by-God-to-finish-my-work, though.
- Rincewind: Full marks for having luck. Luck trumps a lot. Forty
two ranks in Mastery of Cowardice. Fleeing a lot doesn't hurt in
avoiding checks in the "L" column. Doesn't actually end up with any in the
"W" column, either. Rincewind's score vs all other wizards: 0 wins, 0 losses,
7 byes.
- Ged: Well dang. IMO an actual contender for Gandalf. Done the
personal-purification-by-fire thing. Conversation considered worthwhile
by Orm Embar, the rough equivalent of Ancalagon the Black, possibly even
Illuvatar. Has Gandalf talked to Illuvatar or Ancalagon? I don't think
so. One wouldn't give him the time of day, the other would consider him a
light snack. On the other hand, Ged at his zenith was still beat down by a
bunch of invisible evil spirits, albeit in their own temple. So he fails the
Gandalf-summons-Saruman comparison.
- Excel: Well, for sheer diabloic evil, Microsoft gets their toe in
the door, and for being the greater evil force, trumps both Merlin (who was
only half demon) and Gargamel (who is evil by virtue of contact by
smurfs). You can't run or hide from Microsoft either, so put a win-by-default
in the 'v Rincewind' column. But as Ged said: "It is light that repels the
dark! Light!" Heavy, convincing losses against Gandalf, Elminster and Ged.
Eventually driven Sauron-style out of Redmond by the Open Council, and
relegated to History Channel documentaries.
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